Spotlight; Mommie-by-Marriage *Aaja*

Being a mom is a life adjustment. From pregnancy to child birth, your body and mind are both adjusting to this new life you are entering. As the child grows, you grow, and you soon become "accustomed" to parenthood. But what if you were never awarded the nine month "prep period" or if you somehow fell into motherhood? This month's spotlighted mom, Aaja, didn't birth her son, but she's quickly developing the tools needed to be a mom to her 6 year old stepson.

When Aaja met her husband Jawaun's son three years ago, the only thing on her mind was "I want him to like me." Establishing a relationship with her soon-to-be step son early on was important. But it wasn't an easy task for either party involved. When Aaja said yes to Jawaun's proposal after 8months of dating, not only was she saying yes to him, but yes to becoming a new mom to his son! That in itself is a commendable commitment. I've had many friends blatantly state they would never date a (wo)man with a child. I, myself, may have been victim to this as well. The thought of the "baby mama/daddy drama" alone can turn anyone away. A close friend of mine swore by this "code" for a long time. When she told me her new boyfriend had a son, I was completely floored. Well needless to say the relationship didn't last long because she couldn't deal with the fact of coming second in her boyfriend's life. This is very common. The child is essentially another person in the relationship that isn't going anywhere, and unless you are willing and ready to accept that, the relationship is bound to fail. It seems many 20 something-year-olds, male and female, tend to avoid relationships when the other party has a child. 

That wasn't the case with this 24 year old image branding strategist. She knew her and Jawaun wanted a future together and that meant helping her son understand that she too would be his mom. Though her son's biological mother has shown to be a bit resistant to this new family dynamic, Aaja is not letting that discourage her efforts of being a great second mom to her husband's son. 

"It takes a while to get used to someone else being in their child’s life in a similar capacity. It’s a big adjustment for everyone. The best advice that I received on being both a wife and a mother is to keep both my son and husband covered in prayer because God can do what I cannot do."

 

I admire Aaja for her diligence and her willingness to be an awesome Mommie-by-Marriage. The love for her husband and the love for her son is evident. Motherhood alone has it obstacles but accepting the task of helping to raise someone else's child, is a job she didn't have to commit too. But she did...she chose to be a mom. Despite the push back she may receive, she continues to put her family first and accepts the journey ahead. 

Aaja's Advice: 

I would tell other Mommies-by-Marriage to continue being consistent in their child’s life and training them up right. Also, no matter what the circumstances, respect is not optional. Lastly, talk to your child. Kids are smarter than we think and go through so much more than we realize. You might just have a breakthrough by listening to their heart.

Spotlight: "New Mommie"- *Niki*

Three months into motherhood, and 26 year old Service Teller Manager Niki S., gives her two cents to YWM on how her life has changed since becoming a Mommie. It’s a difficult task, and getting through the first 6months can be challenging as these little creatures evolve every day. However, the toughest part of any working mom is having to return to work. Managing your time and your day around your child can be the biggest adjustment, and Niki can definitely attest to that. 

"I can't just run a few errands or up and go out at the last minute. Everything requires planning, and even then, I sometimes still can't get it right." Niki explains.

 "Getting it right" just doesn't exist anymore. Mommies have to learn and accept their "new norm." And that new norm just may mean getting up an hour and a half earlier to be on time, or settling with the fact that you will never be on time for anything else in life. (After three years I've regretfully settled for the latter lol). But when you have commitments outside the home, like many of us do, we can begin to feel very pressured; the pressures of being a good wife, mother, and employee and trying your hardest not to fall short in any of those areas

 "I think I may have underestimated the commitment level required [of motherhood], even when things get tough, and how consuming life would begin to be.”

“I have a new found respect for working moms. I don't know that I would've ever known how challenging it is for us working moms without becoming one myself, which tells me how much working moms are underestimated by coworkers and those without children in general. I think there is always a concern of a mom not returning to work after maternity leave or always having to call out because of a sick baby; but I was lucky enough to have a supportive management team who's really made me feel welcomed when I returned, while still showing care and compassion when it came to my work schedule, my breast pumping needs, and my need to make my daughter my number one priority.”

Niki, whom is originally from Chicago, relocated to Virginia to attend college (the REAL HU, that is). She decided to stay in Virginia after meeting and marrying her husband. Miles away from her family has proven to be quite difficult especially since welcoming their first child. “I realized how much I really missed my mom when she came to visit for Christmas - she fell in love with Gia right away! It's still a bit difficult because it's nothing like having your mom around to be a part of such an exciting time, like watching the little [one] grow and do all of her "firsts".

Though Niki’s family is not around, she and the little one are surrounded with plenty of love from her in-laws, to college friends, to Sorority Sisters. Niki and Gia are in great hands. And although this former “wine connoisseur” doesn’t divulge in her guilty pleasure as much, she wouldn’t trade anything in the world for her new life as a hardworking, breastfeeding mom. As challenging as it is, it is her daughter’s infections grin that motivates her to keep going… “it really does brighten up my day.”

Her advice to the New Working Mom: Don't underestimate the things you can do for your family and within your career once you become a mom. If you decide to breast feed, stick to it and surround yourself with people who supports your decision to do so because I had to learn that not everyone "gets it". I doubted my ability to breast feed because I thought I couldn't get past the pain and un comfort.  Once I overcame that obstacle, I doubted my ability to continue once I returned to work, but my daughter is now 3 months old and I don't have any plans on stopping anytime soon. After learning more and more benefits to breast feeding and receiving support from other moms who breast fed, I am more encouraged to sacrifice whatever I need to in order to give my daughter this special gift. 

 

 

Spotlight: "Mommie-2-B"- *Prerna*

"Kids don’t need a lot of things they need to be loved and cared"

I am super excited to kickoff my "spotlight" campaign; highlighting 12 different Mommies over the next year! These Young Workin' Mommies are awesome and have such compelling stories, I had to get them involved with YWM. 

My first Mommie is Mommie-2-Be Prerna, Internal Audit Supervisor. (My old supervisor :)) After experiencing a miscarriage early last year, she is so excited and anxious to finally see and hold her new baby! With only about two weeks shy of her due date - and with no true birthing plan other than to "go with the flow" (lol)- she opened up to YWM to share her thoughts on mother's rights, her pregnancy experience and advice. 

Check it out!

What was your initial response to finding out you were pregnant? Excited yet very nervous as I had a miscarriage before.

How has pregnancy changed your life (i.e. moody, extremely cautious, tired, etc.) [The] past nine months have been amazing and crazy at the same time. Since we had a miscarriage earlier this year, when we found out the second time we were expecting, we were ecstatic and scared at the same time. We didn’t let anyone know until I was four months along. Every time we went for an ultrasound it was like sitting on pins and needles until we heard the heartbeat. I sometimes go through that even now!! I will be relieved when I hold my baby in my arms.

What has been the best/”not-so-best” thing about your pregnancy? OMG- I didn’t know how amazing the human body was….we sure do miracles!! Best thing is to feel the baby move…it’s an awesome feeling. Not so best is a long list- burpy, farty, bloaty, acidity, fatigue, backache, swollen feet etc. etc. LOL

What excites you the most about becoming a new mom? Meeting the little being that my husband and I created together. I am excited about holding it, seeing it grow, say mom and dad.

Have you and/or your partner taken classes to prepare for birth? (i.e. Lamaze, birthing classes) Yes, we took Child birth basics and Breastfeeding. My husband thought it was the best thing we did, as he feels a lot more prepared now.

Do you have a birthing plan? (i.e. water birth, natural birth, home birth, drugs (lol) etc.) Not really. I am going to go with the flow.

What plans have you made in terms of returning to work/maternity leave? I am planning on taking 12 weeks off.

What is the best advice you have received so far about pregnancy and/or motherhood? One time I was worrying about how expensive it was going to be to have kids and a friend said, “kids don’t need a lot of things they need to be loved and cared” this stuck with me.

What advice can you give another Young Working Mommies-2-B? I am trying to figure out what’s the best way to balance work and personal life, especially when you have a little one dependent on you and no family support around. My family lives in India and my husband’s family is in Michigan. I can’t say follow your heart because financial reasons prevent a lot of us from staying home for the first year and take care of our kids. Since, I have become pregnant, I have begun to realize that US laws are not mother friendly. In comparison to the rest of the world where women get 6 months to a year of paid leave (55%) of their pay. I am starting to seek out senators who are pro-active in fighting for mother's rights and I would request other young working mothers to do the same.

So, Mommies-2-Be, are you familiar with FMLA? Have you researched your company's policy on maternity leave and/or short term disability? Know YOUR rights and plan ahead! 

Next Month's Mommie Spotlight---The BRAND NEW Mommie! :) 

NEW! Mommie Spotlight

When I first started this blog, nearly 3 years ago next month, I had no idea what I wanted to do. I just wanted to write and to establish a platform to show the world that yes you can be a young successful mother despite what norms society has placed on us. When I made my first entry, I was 8months pregnant, un-wed, living in my own apartment miles away from my boyfriend and daughter's dad. I had no idea what the future held, but I wanted to share my journey and to show the world how cool it is being a mom! LOL My blog has been my therapy and a way to share life's little moments with my close family and friends.

For a few month's I've been thinking of ways to really get other mom's involved with my blog and do something a little different. I think its so important to highlight all moms in the hopes other moms can be inspired. My experiences are different than those of the "Young Single Mom", or the "Young Mom with Twins", or the "Young Divorced Mom." We all have a story to tell. So knowing that, I've created something new, my "Mommie Spotlight" segment. Every month I will highlight a mom and allow her to tell her story and to share her experiences which are significantly different than mine. I have a few Mommies in mind I want to "spotlight" but if you are interested, please email me at dinai.emerald@gmail.com.

First entry coming later this month..."Young Workin' Mom-2-B". I'm excited! : ) 

Time For Baby No. 2....

Or not....lol

"Do you want more kids?" 

"When are you having another one?"

"You know you don't wanna have them too far apart, right?!"

Oh the pressure to have another child! As the months lead up to Dreux's 3rd birthday, these are the questions I have been getting. A mother of two?? It SOUNDS intimidating. What do I do with two kids? I barely make it to work on time with the one I have now! Before I became a mother, I always said I didn't want my children to be too far apart in age. Two-three years was the max for me. And definetely no more than three kids. My sister and I are about four and a half years apart and I've always felt there was such a huge gap between us. We didn't really start liking each other until I went away to college (LOL). Now, at 26 and her a few months shy of 22, we get along great! But the years leading up were a bit rough. I didn't want that for my kids. I always wished my sister and I were a bit closer in age. However, these last three years of Dreux's life have flown by and having another child wasn't even on the horizon! But with all the questions about me having another one, I've definelty been giving it some thought! If I stick to my original plan, I should be popping one out soon! 

When should we have another one? How do I plan for a second...we didn't necessarily plan for the first. :) Two kids means double everything! And double tuition just doesn't sound all that appealing to me! But I guess it would be nice for Dreux to have a sibling and stop claiming the ones at school. Her "sister" at school is actually about to become a big sister as her mom is expecting another one in a few months. But am I ready for that responsibility? Will my car even fit two car seats? How do you balance a toddler and an infant? My center of gravity just doesn't seem equipped for that. In all honestly though, when is a good time to start "trying" for another? Should we purchase our home first? Wait until Dreux is in kindergarten? Or do I wait until I'm more established in my career? It will probably never be the "right" time given all things to consider. I guess you just go for it and pray for the best? Right? I don't know, but I can tell you this Mommie needs to wait a little while longer. Play dates will just have to suffice until we can give Dreux a sibling lol Sorry guys, but baby number two is not on the way, just yet. 

"She Got Good Hair"

I’m just going to get straight to the point with this one….last week I was doing my daughters hair as apart of our morning routine. As I brushed her hair into a ponytail I said “Baby your hair is so curly”.  She debated back and forth with me and finally said “my hair isn’t curly Mommie. MJ’s* hair is curly, my hair is coarse”. (MJ, is a biracial boy in her class.) Coarse?! Who told you that Dreux! Caught completely off guard, one because my two year old just used coarse correctly in a sentence, and two, who in the hell told my child she had coarse hair? And for what reason? Anyone who knows my daughter, knows her hair is very curly and not “coarse” at all. However, that’s beside the point. Coarse, curly, or straight, why has hair texture become a topic of conversation in preschool? Needless to say, I was livid. I thought maybe I was overreacting but a quick conversation with my mother ensured me I wasn’t. I spoke to her teacher and the director, of which both denied ever making such a comment, and by the way, both are African American. I told them that such conversation is inappropriate for two-year-old discussion. It was more upsetting to me that Dreux literally debated with me as if this notion of “coarse hair” has been said to her on more than one occasion perhaps.

My point is this, at two, my child sees everyone the same. In her mind there are only two types of people, girls and boys. And personally at this age, I would like to keep it that way. There is no need for differences to be pointed out just yet. The fact that someone told her “No Dreux your hair is not curly, his is. Your hair is coarse” is nauseating. My child has already been introduced to the fact that there is something that slightly sets her apart. Her hair! I’m not raising her to see color, handicaps/disabilities, etc. In fact she swears her friend Brittany* is her sister. I wouldn’t dare sit her down and say “Well honey Brittany can’t be your sister because she’s white”. No, if you guys are sisters, then baby be sisters! Just like I wouldn’t dare say to any other toddler, “no baby your hair is coarse, her hair is curly”. Why does it matter? Its bad enough we are still defending “good hair” vs. “bad hair”. Why even introduce this to the next generation?

Growing up in an era where “light skin was in”, I’ve made it a point not to perpetuate such ignorance in my children.  I hate the phrase “she’s cute for a dark skin girl”. Or my favorite question I got a lot growing up, “what are you mixed with?” referring to the texture of my hair. My response was always, “my momma and my daddy” I digress…

We still haven’t gotten to the bottom of who made this comment. But I’m not letting it go that easy! If it was teacher who made the comment, then I need to have a little chat with her on communicating effectively with toddlers. Leave conversations as such to the parents when the child becomes of age. If a student made that comment, then I need to talk to their parents because they are raising a superficial child who points out the physical aspects that make each of us different. And personally, I think it’s inappropriate at this age.  Let them be two! They have a whole life ahead of trying to explain to the world who they are! 

Now, if the goal was simply to teach textures that day, then I apologize for my rash behavior (not really lol) but please, use inanimate objects next time and not the hairs on my child’s head.

Looks like I have along journey ahead…especially with ignorant adults in the world.

 *I didn't use real names.